New music, New Thoughts

Lately i have been trying to just take in life, one day at a time. all it is is a waiting game, a waiting game at life. Tues: EEG Wed: PET scan Thurs: See DOC ( o and see if this whole chemo routine is working) how do you know: "I know it is working"-mom.

Are you prepared for the atom bomb?Are you prepared for my aching arms?Are you prepared?Are you prepared?Are you prepared for serenity?Are you prepared to disagree?Are you prepared?Are you prepared for me?Do you know who I am?I'm alive, you understand?Alive

-The Birds&the.bees-preparedness

I feel alive. I felt alive last night going to dinner at a yum place called sweet basil. I sat and was happy, i did not think about cancer i didnt think about life on a schedule. I sat with someone who cares and doesnt care about cancer. At least not the point that i have it. I laughed until my stomach hurt and my eyes were tearing up over little things, i cry as much as i want to, as much as they flow. Laughing is harder.

A song can make a girl cry- the sweetness, the new bliss, thinking of old memories, thinking about this life of waiting. I ache and cry because i might die. and cant bring myself to cry over beautiful things. Art, poetry-love. nothing. I used to be that girl that cried over beauty.

I know it will come back.

I dont know what is coming up and i cant look back. Im fighting a fight i will win, and this will pass. I want a normal life, a peacefull life- happiness, hair- Life. this whole thing scares me.

the ice is falling the thoughts are flowing

today was a great oklahoma day where it was windy, cold, and bad enough schools were closed. I spent all day at home and should have ventured out with laura lee because in my eyes it wasnt as bad as i think everyone made it out to be. i mean driving all crazy i dont think would have been a good idea but taking it slow and getting to the places you needed to get to would have been okay- i mean for some people. Some people are like omg i do not drive at all in this, i mean god forbid something were to happen where i would have to get on the streets because no no no. come on give me a break... now for you people who love snowdays and will use the snowday as an excuse not to leave the house- all props to you. my life is one big snow day though. they kinda lost there "OMG its a snow day" kinda feel now that im home like everyday and wish sometimes i had a long work day ahead of me. Isnt it strange.

i want to share part of lords word that Kelsey shared with me...
Some of you were sick bc you lived a bad life, your bodies feeling the effect of your sin; you couldnt stand the sight of food so miserable you thought you would be better off dead.then you called out to god in a desperate condition; he got you out in the nick of time. You heard the word of his that healed you, he pulled you back from the brink of death. So thank god for his marvelous love, for his mercy for his children he loves-tell the world what he has done- Sing Out!!>>this means alot to me, i was once a self absorbed addict who was struggling in the beginning with excepting the fact that i had cancer at 17 and all i wanted to do was escape and then i was in remission and had to except the fact that i was healed and for some crazy reason i was suppose to be alive, for months i then struggled with fitting into my life. finding friends was hard- i mean i missed my senior year, i took a little time off before going to college and living in stillwater i never truly met anyone who actually loved me for me and could help me be a better person.not only did i not have good influences i didn't have family that i could see as often.It took me months to realize that my life was more important. I am now working on my relationship with the Lord, for some reason he is pulling at my heart. I am thankful by the grace of his love he saved me from the life of constantly looking for the next way to get high, and all those people who only brought me down. i know god is not finished with me. My body had begun to feel the effect of my sin then, and now i feel better than ever and have for awhile bc i made the decision to step away from that dark lifestyle.
So thank you Kelsey for sharing those scriptures with me i love you "mamasita"

I know i prob should be down about life- I'm going to be 20 on Tuesday the 2ND but i will not let anyone bring me out of this high. this high of happiness and peace. I know i will make it through whatever the doctors have in store for me and once this is all over i will carry this perspective of life with me. i know nothing is going to be easy-treatments, sobriety, after treatment, etc-but i know it will be easier walking this journey with the Lord, friends and family i have holding my hand and pushing me harder.
much looovveee

Feeling high feeling low

Today was a very interesting day, i went up to the hospital with my mom around 1:30 and was there until about 5:30ish, i sat in an area of the hospital where people who don't have insurance receive out patient chemotherapy. It was really sad, it was completely different then where i would receive outpatient chemotherapy. When i walked in i felt dirty and sick. I was exhausted after like 30 min of sitting there and asked if there was somewhere to lie down. I really wanted to snoop around. I walked in and layed in a plastic recliner surrounded by a dirty curtain. The noises and sight made me nations. I don't feel like a very smart person and i know i don't know alot about health care and such but i do believe everyone should be treated equal and if you don't have the money for your HEALTH then the gov. should help.
I finally got my shot and was starving, my appetite has def been up lately which is good! I even had enough strength after my shot to take the stairs down 2 floors! So then after all that me my mom earl hollee david jim and debbie all met before Dr. Selby my oncologist to talk about the transplant. It all went smooth Dr. Selby explained that i will have the next 2 weeks to do nothing ( yay ) and then ill have a PET scan to see how my tumor Marla is doing. If Marla is gone or alot smaller which the Lord knows she will be cause Kelsey named her nasty face- then i can go along with my transplant if it is still big then ill have to undergo more chemo. There is a certain point though they can only go so far with chemo before i am just getting sicker and its not working so they have to watch that.

Its hard to explain everything its really overwhelming and once again i dont feel very smart.

This whole "cacner thing" sucks. But it is something i have to do. I have no control over it and all i can do is stay positive and pray. I have people surrounding me that truly love me and care about what is going on in my life. I couldnt ask for anyting more right now.
My birthday is coming up and its hard to come to grips with the fact that i am going to be 20 and have cancer AGAAIN. ill listen to hollee and look forward to 21 to party it up and just relax this year lol.
dinner with kelsey bowen tomorrow- love that girl and am so glad God put her in my life years ago and have brought us back together. As for now i am achy and tired and have nothing more to say.

"Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen.”

Back to the hospital:a medical institution where sick or injured people are given medical or surgical care

Today was so nice out. I woke up exhausted but when i got up and around i knew it was going to be a good day. I love sleeping in and then just relaxing around the house. I did that for a few hours then hung out with my little brother David. Hollee my big sis came by and brought by 2 pairs of sleep PJ's, 2 tanks, a pink soft robe with a fluffy hood, anddd this adorable cute shirt. It was real sweet of her, her and hallie went shopping and it was nice of them to think of me. she knew i was going to the hospital tomorrow and knows i love comfy clothes. Patti also came by and brought by some fabrics and it was beautiful she is amazing at decorating and is redoing my room for me before i get out of the hospital! I am so excited to see how it turns out. After Patti left David finally got in the shower and hollee him and i went and ate at Mclearens my favorite place ever.
I am pretty excited about tomorrow- not because i am going to a place where sick or injured people are given medical or surgical care, but because this might be might last Chemotherapy EVER. Ill be in the hospital for a few days but this is what i have to do to get better. My blood count is low so i might be going in tomorrow to receive a blood transfusion, we will find out after they draw some blood tomorrow.
I really have no feelings about all this to be frank. I think its gods way of her helping me not worry about things, i just take it day by day.

I am going to watch "My life as Liz" with david and relax in my new adorable PJs! Goodnight

I wear my sunglasses at night...

Today was a beautiful lazy Sunday.
I am trying to enjoy my last few days before i go into the hospitol. Yesterday was so fun, Amber, Hollee, Rhonda, madre, and i all played the Wii it was insane fun. I got tired real quick but Just Dance is hilarious ( thank you Hallie ). I feel pretty overwhelmed with everything that has been going on.
I was devistated that my hair came out within like a span of 3 days it just disappeared. This crap shouldnt be happening again, i had just grew my hair back out and what do you know i start getting sick again and am told i have a 110% chance of loosing my hair. Thanks for being straight up but really it doesnt help with the pain. I know everyone always says o you are gorgous with or without you hair--its just hard. Its hard as it is to be a confident woman, try not having hair and worrying when the day will come that your beautiful eye lashes and eye brows will quickly disappear too. I have to keep in mind i am alive. I have been given the oppurtunity to become a stronger person and help others through this experience. this time around has been alot different, i feel closer to some of my family than i ever have. I see who really cares and who doesnt give a rats ass.
tomorrow i am going to wake up to another beautiful day, im going to get tea with laura.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KELSEY!